Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Oh, we're falling apart to songs about hips and hearts

I am losing it. I am completely and totally losing it. 

Last night, I had a panic attack. I've never been clear on what the difference between an anxiety and panic attack are, but, for me, the difference is how I feel during one. I can pull myself together during an anxiety attack, and they are brief (usually) and very focused. When I have an anxiety attack, I can still breath. I'm not perfect, but I can fake normal during an anxiety attack. I can't fake normal during a panic attack. 

I have to request an exemption to be allowed out of my housing contract. Last night, I composed a letter that will be one of the only things that will tell a committee of strangers that I should not be forced to return to the dorms next quarter. I began crying while writing it - I hate that I am so utterly miserable and feel so helpless and this process is only making me feel more helpless. After I got off the phone with Jon, I tried to rest, to calm down. I was anxious and tense and felt anything but okay.

My barely controlled panic totally went rogue on me, for lack of a better way to describe it. I couldn't breath, I was crying and couldn't stop, and I thought I was either going to throw up or pass out. I could not calm down. I could not talk myself out of the tailspin I found myself  in. I have gotten to a really bad place and those moments last night, those moments when I couldn't pull it together, is exactly where I am at. I am at a place where one wrong thought, one wrong train of thought, will make me start crying or whimpering or struggling to breath. I feel trapped. I feel helpless. I haven't felt this way in years and years and I hate that I feel this way because of something that can be changed, but that a committee is the one that decides if I need this change.

People, I need this change. If I am forced to return to the dorms next quarter, I honestly don't know what I will do. Probably lose my shit. 

1 comment:

Cassie The Venomous said...

Hey, I know you don't know me, but I found your blog on anthensi.com, so I'm guessing you're in J1o1 with me, right?

Anyway, I know all too well the trapped and horrified feeling of an anxiety attack. I have experienced them for years, and it's still simply too much every time I have one.

If ever you need to talk to someone, I am a willing listener. I hope everything works out for you.