Friday, November 21, 2008


At 8:24 a.m., while I was taking my very last final, one of the people that works in the housing department was sending me an e-mail saying that the housing committee appreciated my concerns, but that it had rejected my request. My head exploded about one hour and thirty minutes later, when I checked my e-mail and found this out.

Actually, 'exploded' is not the right term for what happened. It was a hot, molten rage for which there is no comparison. If I could shoot fire out of my mouth, there would have been fire everywhere. There would have been no control over the flames of rage. I flipped my computer off. I have never flipped my computer off before, no matter how angry it has made me. 

Now I am going through the appeals process, wherein I get to give the university EVEN MORE DETAILS about things that I feel are personal. Yes, internet, I've not told the whole story about how crummy this situation has been, and I'm gonna keep some things to myself. I would say sorry, but I'm not.

Anyway, now I have to wait. Again. 

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Day 19

It's hard to update a blog everyday.

This time tomorrow, I could know what if my contract termination has been granted. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Day two of finals

I only have two finals left. I should be overjoyed about this.


My remaining two finals are both at 8 a.m. For those of you who don't know the difference between a.m. and p.m., that is eight in the MORNING. As in, the sun will have only been up for maybe an hour at that point. Which means that I will be driving when the deer are still frolicking through the fields near our house.

That is a much nicer way to describe the way the deer STAND ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD and stare at you as you slam on the brakes. I swear they fist bump after I can't see them anymore, because they get such a thrill from how I pale I get when I see them.

Also, this is for my co-worker, Bryan, whose name I will actually spell right. See, Bryan, I AM mentioning you in my blog. HA!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

It's raining, it's pouring

It was so dark this morning that I didn't realize it was morning. I feel like I am catching up on all the sleep I didn't get the past few weeks, even though I shouldn't be catching up on all the sleep I've not been getting until this time next week. I can't imagine being on a semester schedule when I am already so ready for this quarter to be over

I am back at home, I'm not sure if I've mentioned that. Home has dial up, so posts will probably continue to be light for a few days. Apologies.

Friday, November 14, 2008


A university should never allow things to get so bad that a student finds their only option is to move out of their dorm before the quarter is out. I can't imagine being a student whose only option was to take an emergency move, because I cannot imagine ever returning to the dorms as a resident.

I'm already back at home and will be commuting next week, finals week. There are a few things going on that I will hopefully be able to comfortably discuss by this time next month, but I'm going to play that stuff close to the chest until then.

Happy almost halfway through NaBloPoMo guys!

Thursday, November 13, 2008


It is really hard to sit at a table across from someone and know that your statements could affect the rest of their college career. It is really hard to get to a point where you hope that he or she gets the worst punishment imaginable, because their actions have caused you so much pain and trouble.

It is really hard to look in the mirror and realize that you've begun to look scared all the time. But it makes it really easy to wish that they get the full extent of the possible punishments tossed at them. 

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Day 12

Today I went to the doctor, got something that I am ready to call the best thing ever because I am calm for the first time in days, and now all of those night of bad sleep have caught up with me and I am ready to sleep and sleep and sleep. 


Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Oh, we're falling apart to songs about hips and hearts

I am losing it. I am completely and totally losing it. 

Last night, I had a panic attack. I've never been clear on what the difference between an anxiety and panic attack are, but, for me, the difference is how I feel during one. I can pull myself together during an anxiety attack, and they are brief (usually) and very focused. When I have an anxiety attack, I can still breath. I'm not perfect, but I can fake normal during an anxiety attack. I can't fake normal during a panic attack. 

I have to request an exemption to be allowed out of my housing contract. Last night, I composed a letter that will be one of the only things that will tell a committee of strangers that I should not be forced to return to the dorms next quarter. I began crying while writing it - I hate that I am so utterly miserable and feel so helpless and this process is only making me feel more helpless. After I got off the phone with Jon, I tried to rest, to calm down. I was anxious and tense and felt anything but okay.

My barely controlled panic totally went rogue on me, for lack of a better way to describe it. I couldn't breath, I was crying and couldn't stop, and I thought I was either going to throw up or pass out. I could not calm down. I could not talk myself out of the tailspin I found myself  in. I have gotten to a really bad place and those moments last night, those moments when I couldn't pull it together, is exactly where I am at. I am at a place where one wrong thought, one wrong train of thought, will make me start crying or whimpering or struggling to breath. I feel trapped. I feel helpless. I haven't felt this way in years and years and I hate that I feel this way because of something that can be changed, but that a committee is the one that decides if I need this change.

People, I need this change. If I am forced to return to the dorms next quarter, I honestly don't know what I will do. Probably lose my shit. 

Sunday, November 9, 2008

A little screwed up

The posts for NaBloPoMo will be rather sucky the next few days - I got some rather sucktacular news that will be eating up my time for the next little while. I have lost all faith in the university system and will never again count on it to help me beyond scholarships and classes.  

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I thought I would cry

I thought I would cry when I entered and when I left the polls - when I entered because of the purposeful way the people headed towards the polls were walking, reminiscent of the purpose to people's walk in V for Vendetta. We were going to be part of the change, we were going to be heard. When I left, it was pride. It was seven in the morning and there was a line at least twenty people long, all of the people in it college students.  The media hadn't expected us to do this, and we were.

I didn't.

I thought I would cry when the Ohio polls closed, because it meant that the ads, the awfulness, the arguing with Jon because our opinions on politics do not alway overlap, and all the other stuff was over. 

I didn't.

I thought I would cry during the election party in the lounge when a group of us were eating cotton candy and talking about what our parents' opinions on the election were and what we thought. It was a strange feeling to be in a group of people that understood what I was talking about, that was just as stressed as I was. It was like coming home.

I didn't.

I thought I would cry when the man on CNN said there was no way McCain was going to reach 270 after they called Ohio, Virginia and Pennsylvania for Obama. I was shocked, I was amazed, I was proud because people had voted, they had participated, they had fought for the person they believed in. Seeing the map turn blue on television and on the New York Times website (which had a really interesting map that colored in the second any percentage of votes was out - which is how Utah, Arizona, and Texas were all blue at one point) was just... there was something truly powerful about it.

I didn't.

I thought I would cry during McCain's concession speech and Obama's speech, because they were both good speeches and because it truly meant this battle was over. One tear happened, but... I didn't cry.

I remembered about Proposition 8 in California, I googled it, I found a map showing how the votes were rolling in, knowing that the polls had been close leading up to election day. 

I saw that people were voting 'yes' to add an amendment to the California constitution that would make marriage between a man and a woman only. That it was 'yes' by at least 2.5 percent. 

I started crying. They were not the tears of joy or relief that I had been expecting. They were tears of disappointment and anger and shame and sadness. I cried for my friends that are gay and for the people I know or know of that had gotten married since California legalized gay marriage in June. I cried for the fact that we could elect a black man to the presidency, but we can't vote for civil rights. I cried for the 16,000 couples that have gotten married in four and a half months. 

It is taking everything in me to not cry now. 

On a day that I expected to feel light and joyful and free of the awfulness of the past year, I am angry and sad. I am hoping that this isn't allowed to be put on the constitution, that for once civil rights will beat out narrow minded opinion. That the government will defend its people by taking a stance on something that it has avoided taking a stance on for years. 

This is the change that I find myself believing in today.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I voted!

I voted. I was walking to my polling location when they opened, and I got to hear someone yell, "Hear ye, hear ye, the polls are now open!"

I am so relieved this election will be over after today. Living in a swing state is frustrating and I will be happy to no longer see advertisements mongering fear or appealing to your hopes. I'm ready to see differences, because I am tired of only hearing about them.

I had a thirty-minute wait, almost exactly. If anyone is voting on OU's campus today and reads this before voting, good luck! The poll workers at Jeff are pretty nice from what I dealt with from 6:30-7 a.m.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Happy NaBloPoMo!

I'm participating in National Blog Posting Month, which means I have to update my blog for the next thirty days. I'm hopeful about my participation, though I've already come to the realization that weekends will probably be more links than actual posts.

With that in mind, here's a webcomic I think you should check out: Questionable Content.

I got turned onto the comic nearly a year ago, when Jon and I were first figuring things out. That first week he and I were together, the story line involved a secret handshake that was perfect to relate to some of the things we were wondering about. I ended up reading the archive in December, when I should have been doing homework for my English and Spanish classes.

The comic itself follows a group of twenty-somethings in a part of Massachusetts, having grown from a cast of two characters to many. My favorite is Hannelore, a blonde with severe OCD. In one comic, she got drunk while spending time with her control freak business tycoon mother and decided to touch a public toilet to prove a point. Yeah. I hope that came across as funny, because it was.

Have a great day guys! To all the Athenians reading this, enjoy Halloween and don't get caught if you enjoy it too much! See you tomorrow.