Unsolicited advice

Jon and I have been in a long distance relationship of the dating variety since December of 2007, and ever since we declared ourselves to be 'dating,' I've often found myself the receiver of a laundry list of advice. I've been told that my relationship is doomed for so many reasons, from the fact that we started out long distance (people magically ignore that we were friends for TWO YEARS before that) to the fact that he is my first boyfriend. I've been told that my relationship is doomed because of my behavior or because we struggle to agree to disagree.

I'm fed up. YES, I do tend to talk about my problems with Jon, but what relationship doesn't have flaws? You know WHY I talk about our issues, even when we are doing really well, having hit a groove I think most couples don't? Because of the damn naysayers. All the people who say we are doomed constantly push me to look at my relationship, to hold up all of the bad parts and go 'is this worth it?' and then I get told the same thing I was told before, forcing me to go back and go 'oh, hey, THIS is a problem, too.' This causes no end of stress for Jon and me, as I can suddenly lash out at him over something that was insignificant until, suddenly, it wasn't.

I'm getting better at letting these things roll off my back, at ignoring them or telling the person that is trying to impart their 'wisdom' on me that I'd rather not hear it, that I've heard this before, this is old news compadre. Some people are better at hearing this than others. I'm tempted to print up business cards, only something snarky, a reverse business card, to give to people when they do this:

"Hi! I don't need to put my name here, because, you know what, I'M JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! I feel an irrepressible urge to share my opinion with you, even if I don't know you that well! Don't want to hear it? TOO BAD! I have to tell you that you can't ever behave in selfish or immature manner, that YOU are a bad person for ever being mean to your significant other, that S/HE would not act a certain way if you didn't prompt the behavior. PS you are not a saint, and the only way to have a successful long term relationship is to date as many people as possible before settling down."

Too wordy?

The funny thing is that most people are supportive. People who weren't when they first got to know me are, because, if nothing else, they've seen how I get around Jon, how I relax. But I'm really tired of the unsolicited advice, especially the insistence that my relationship is 'doomed' because it is my first, because I'm having to learn some of this stuff as I go. It is so frustrating to have people tell me that I am going to fail, because 'so many' before me have failed. Not everyone fails, but I imagine that those that do aren't helped by their 'helpful' friends and their advice.

Sympathy

It is really hard to sit at a table across from someone and know that your statements could affect the rest of their college career. It is really hard to get to a point where you hope that he or she gets the worst punishment imaginable, because their actions have caused you so much pain and trouble.

It is really hard to look in the mirror and realize that you've begun to look scared all the time. But it makes it really easy to wish that they get the full extent of the possible punishments tossed at them. 

Oh, we're falling apart to songs about hips and hearts

I am losing it. I am completely and totally losing it. 

Last night, I had a panic attack. I've never been clear on what the difference between an anxiety and panic attack are, but, for me, the difference is how I feel during one. I can pull myself together during an anxiety attack, and they are brief (usually) and very focused. When I have an anxiety attack, I can still breath. I'm not perfect, but I can fake normal during an anxiety attack. I can't fake normal during a panic attack. 

I have to request an exemption to be allowed out of my housing contract. Last night, I composed a letter that will be one of the only things that will tell a committee of strangers that I should not be forced to return to the dorms next quarter. I began crying while writing it - I hate that I am so utterly miserable and feel so helpless and this process is only making me feel more helpless. After I got off the phone with Jon, I tried to rest, to calm down. I was anxious and tense and felt anything but okay.

My barely controlled panic totally went rogue on me, for lack of a better way to describe it. I couldn't breath, I was crying and couldn't stop, and I thought I was either going to throw up or pass out. I could not calm down. I could not talk myself out of the tailspin I found myself  in. I have gotten to a really bad place and those moments last night, those moments when I couldn't pull it together, is exactly where I am at. I am at a place where one wrong thought, one wrong train of thought, will make me start crying or whimpering or struggling to breath. I feel trapped. I feel helpless. I haven't felt this way in years and years and I hate that I feel this way because of something that can be changed, but that a committee is the one that decides if I need this change.

People, I need this change. If I am forced to return to the dorms next quarter, I honestly don't know what I will do. Probably lose my shit.