A new day

I've never understood health insurance, and I'm going to warn you that I don't fully understand the bill that passed last night. My personal jury is still out on whether or not this is a 'good thing,' because I tend to have a very skeptical relationship with most things that come from any institution, regardless of if it's government or private. That is what my college education and deep held love of reading every damn thing I find interesting (on the internet) has given me.

I know that I've never viewed health insurance as a part of my life the way some people might - we had it, in some form or another, for most of my life. We were the 'lucky' ones, the ones who could go to the hospital for an ear ache or sinus infection.

But my yearly physicals were more bi-annual, when they happened at all. I think our co-pay hovered in the $15-20 range per visit, per kid, which might sound like nothing to you but was a LOT to us. We were pretty healthy kids. I usually got hit with a sinus infection or bronchitis every 12-18 months, ending with a trip to the not-quite-emergency room (people in Athens know the name, but I can't remember it right this minute). My mother put off going to the doctor for some (still not fully resolved) issues because of the cost and the knowledge that they wouldn't be able to diagnose quickly and prescribe an easy fix, and I feel like there was also an acknowledgment that whatever it was could be a 'pre-existing condition.' If it wasn't one today, it could be later, when my dad switched jobs again.

So she went to the doctor, they did some stuff, it didn't fix much, and as they were still trying to figure it out, my dad was fired. (Not lost his job, as that implies that the job disappeared to some distant town or country. No, he was fired and it still disgusts me and made me skeptical and resentful of the concept of 'at will' employment.)

We didn't go to the doctor growing up because of the cost. When I was 9, my pediatrician noticed that my collarbones were uneven. My parents didn't shield us from much, or so I thought, but now that I'm older, I realize they did that year. It was the year my youngest brother was born, which is a whole 'nother story, but now I've realized that they kept me from fully understanding the costs of my pediatrician noticing that. I had an x-ray that day, then an MRI (which I fell asleep in) and a CAT scan (which I did not fall asleep in, and was actually quite terrified of). I have no idea how much of that was covered by our insurance. I know that we had some sort of supplemental insurance via the government.

I'm realizing how much I don't understand insurance or health care.

When I started at OU, I signed up for their insurance, which covers all prescriptions (though I'm fuzzy on things like vaccines). Because of the past two years and all the various things I've had to go to the doctor, I've been afraid of getting hit with the 'pre-existing condition.' I've been relieved to spend so little on my doctors visits - $40 paid to the university for the well-being plan has saved me several thousand dollars, as has the nearly $400 I pay per quarter for the insurance. But I've looked toward graduation with a wary eye, afraid that I will get a job and be punished for things beyond my control.

So, there is a sense of relief at the rules for 2014. But also a fear, for my family.

Things are improving for us, economically, but how are they supposed to afford insurance they are now required to buy? (Yes, they've been covered by the state, but it's a fluctuating thing that, again, I don't fully understand.) How does THAT work?

I'm for health care/insurance for all. I don't think kids should have to grow up without getting to see the doctor or the dentist or the optometrist. I don't think adults should have to stay in crappy jobs just because they have insurance they don't get to use, but they need it because they get the flu once a year, or their kids tend to get ear infections.

But I'm skeptical. I have a history of disappointments and insurance not equalling health care.

Songs about pressure

Queen and David Bowie, "Under Pressure."

Tegan and Sara, "Floorplan."

Other songs about pressure?

Winter

I surround myself with stuff. Books, pens, bottles and cups, sticky notes and scissors when I am studying. Layers of scarves, earmuffs, shirts, leggings, socks and more when I am walking around town. I like the feeling of being surrounded by things, of having a purpose, of being warm and safe.

I don't know why I do this. I do it during the spring as well, at least the surrounding myself with stuff thing. But during the winter, it's more like I'm putting up a barrier between myself and the cold. Enough books, enough pens, and the winter's cold won't touch me. In the spring, it's an enjoyment of the sun, a soaking in of the color of the sun on the pages and the tables and the pure life that seems to fill every area around me. Winter is a time of hibernation.

Winter is quiet.

I used to surround myself with solitude during the winter, embrace my hermit like inclinations and hunker down behind the books. Hours spent with my class assignments and iPod and DVDs watched by myself.

Winter is busy.

This winter I've gone dancing. Watched movies with friends and played board games in coffee shops. Explained why I wear my claddagh ring on my left ring finger when I go dancing. Learned how to set someone on fire without actually burning them. My inner hermit has been gently pushed onto an island and asked to enjoy the quiet in that back corner of my room.

Winter is.

Snippets

1. I have eaten almost half a cream cheese pound cake in the past two days. It was a little eggy fresh out of the oven, but once it had time to cool? Delicious. The recipe is here, and I am in love with it because it is, A, six ingredients, B, disgustingly easy, and, C, really pretty. It is rich and golden on the outside, and dense and creamy on the inside.

2. Gloves. I have had some yarn since my birthday that I planned to use to make a pair of elbow-length gloves. I am in love with this pattern and really looking forward to unleashing my knitting skills on it.

3. I bought my tickets for the Ohio state fair yesterday. I'm taking a friend who has never been, as her birthday present. Hope she likes livestock as much as me! Also, my mom is in the Fine Arts exhibit, so I'm looking forward to that. She can be a bit of a creative genius.

4. I also picked up an Orchid. No idea how to take care of it, but I have one now. It's pretty.

5. It's rainy and dreary and once again not looking like it is a summer month. Also, it is about six weeks until school starts again. Hold me.

Mighty Summer List

I'm an avid blog reader, something a lot of my close friends and family know, but not many other people do. It's an awkward thing to admit, as a hobby, this blog reading thing. Do you know how many people act as if a crack addiction would be a more acceptable thing to do? They ask, "What do you do in your spare time?" And I cheerfully reply, "Oh I use Twitter and I blog and I read a few blogs."

Peoples' eyes glaze over as if I have whipped out a stack of photos showing happy shots of me and my boyfriend, or they act as if it is something DIRTY. How DARE I admit that I waste my time on something on the internet that isn't FACEBOOK?

But I do, oh, how I do. I love you, internet, and the more time I spend on it, I wonder how so many of my peers can be the INTERNET GENERATION and yet be so oblivious to the awesome that is the internet.

Which brings me to Maggie Mason and her Mighty Life List, which she started posting in March of 2008. Mighty Girl is one of my favorite sites to check regularly, and I often wish that I was living in San Francisco, which is something I generally wish for anyway. I imagine it is like Athens, only with access to SUSHI outside of the local Kroger's, and that whole California thing.

Maggie recently announced that Intel is sponsoring her life list. You can check out her site to see what she has done so far and what-not.

When I first saw Maggie's completed list, I was both jealous and intimidated. It seems impossible to dream that big, to think of things as wild and seemingly impossible as going to Puerto Rico to swim with bioluminescent plankton and then going out there and doing it. I can barely imagine the next three years following the basic 'get an education and then find employment' path. To be completely honest, the sheer cost of some of the things on her list freaked me out too. I can't even begin to imagine being at a point in my life where I can put 'Go to London to see the Broad Street water pump' on my list and knowing that I can actually DO IT when I do(it's a weird personal goal, I know, but it's mine). It is so much easier to stand still and wait for life to happen to you, for everything that you mean to do to just suddenly fall into place and be that perfect summer movie fantasy, you know?

Like a sack of bricks, the realization hit me that I needed to stop waiting and just GO AND DO. So what does it matter that I can't afford to go to London right this minute? That doesn't mean I have to sit around and do absolutely nothing. I started my Summer Mighty List that night and hope to start crossing things off this week. It's not too elaborate, because the goal is to have a good summer, to do all the things I always mean to do but end up pushing aside for something more mundane and easy, like watching a SpongeBob rerun.

So, in no particular order, I present to you, my Mighty Summer List:

1. Go to the Columbus Zoo

2. Learn to drive stick shift

3. Daytrip out of state (Pittsburgh is the goal)

4. Make a skirt/learn to sew

5. Make marshmallows from scratch

6. Go hiking

7. Go camping

8. Learn to play a song on my guitar

9. Actually go to the attractions in Cleveland

10. Make my room a happy living space

11. A grand loving gesture

12. Try the fruits I thought were gross or weird when I was younger

13. Catch fireflies with my brother

14. Sparklers with my brother(s)

15. Bubbles and sparklers at sunset with Jon

16. Visit my sister in Cincinnati and check out the city

17. Volunteer

18. Swim at the lake

19. Get in/on a boat

20. Go to the state fair

Some of these are a little more abstract, some are amazingly easy SEEMING, but I'm hoping to do all of them. If I come up with anything to add, you'll know.

What're some of your goals for the summer?

I'm a sister, not a saint

A brief snapshot of what will (hopefully) be beefed out into a decent little post on the No Doubt concert I saw at the beginning of the week:

I took my youngest brother, Iz, with me to see the band, as he has an undying love of the band and Gwen Stefani in general; I introduced him to their music in 2003, during the long drive to Tennessee for my great-grandfather's funeral, if I'm remembering correctly. He still loves their albums, six years later.

We missed Paramore, thanks to the long line of traffic and lack of police directing said traffic until a quarter mile away from the venue. We DID arrive with plenty of time to spare before ND took the stage, and we headed towards the lawn, working our way through the clusters of people. Many 'excuse me's and 'sorry, but he's not even five feet tall's later, we had a decent spot.

He loved it. LOVED it.

The best part was when they performed 'Running,' and I wrapped my arms around him, savoring the fact that he's still young enough to let me hug him in public. He leaned back and yelled, "Thank you so much for bringing me! I love you!!!"

It made up for the amount of times I had to yell at him to calm down or leave Jon's roommate alone in the day leading up to the concert. Made up for when he wouldn't just leave Jon's damn Nerf gun alone, no matter how many ways I threatened him (there are a variety of creative threats at your disposal when you are 3 hours away from home and still in possession of the kid's ticket, including leaving him at the apartment and selling the ticket to the first person I saw).

I'm a sister, not a saint, and I do my best to be a good sister. Sometimes I fail, but he always forgives me.

At least our car repairs never end like this

My dad and I replaced the spark plugs yesterday, but were thwarted by modern car design when it came time to replace the wires. This morning was an exercise in desperately wishing I owned a sledgehammer, because my car was shaking uncontrollably and I wanted to beat it. It's a good thing that my anger is the kind of fantasy, not the kind of actual doing, or I'd probably have to been to prison a few times by now.

I thought that a good video of ridiculous carness was in order, to show that some people take things to a whole new level. Enjoy.

Fin

The past few months have been some of the longest and most stressful I can imagine having to experience. At the end of the day, the dorms were a mistake, a big, huge, horrible mistake that ate up my time and my life and bits of my sanity that I was a rather big fan of, seeing as how they were, you know, bits of my SANITY. 

But.

It's over.

I got the formal e-mail yesterday afternoon, with a precise warning that I had to be checked out of the building by 10 p.m. Saturday (today) and that I had to move all of my things out. Apparently they weren't paying attention when I said I moved ALL OF MY STUFF out the Thursday before finals started. Which was almost TWO MONTHS AGO. 

Anyway. I am living at home, which is much lower stress, which is what I need. I need calm and a knowledge of who is showing up, when they are around, and, possibly, why they are throwing up in my bathroom. It's not even that I need to know in advance, it's just... I need some feeling of safety and control. Things were bad towards the end. Very, very bad. I saw eight different people for different reasons before I met with the right combination of people who were able to help me get this exemption for my health.

I am out of the dorms and I have no plans of going back.

Fin.

Day 19

It's hard to update a blog everyday.

This time tomorrow, I could know what if my contract termination has been granted. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please.

In which I babble and lack a point

It is grey and dreary outside. I have one window in my room, which is filled with my air conditioner, so all I can see is a flat, bluish-grey from the upper half my window.

I know in a few weeks, I will hate this weather. I will call it names and shake my fist at it and wish for spring. Right now I am feeling particularly generous to the weather, though, because this weather, this awful, dreary weather? This weather means that it is late October and my quarter will be finished soon. This weather means winter break and reading books that I get to choose and not having to stay up until 3 a.m. to finish my homework. 

I am going home for the weekend, to watch movies and hang out and get away from the craziness that is my dorm. I have some really great stories to share about my dorm life, especially the time one of my floormates decided it was a better idea to get me instead of an RA. Just so you know, dear readers, if we ever live in the same building, if you decide to get me instead of the person paid to resolve the various situations that pop up in dorm life?

I will be very, very grumpy. 

My exhaustion runneth over

I have spent the entire day attempting to not fall asleep in class. The ENTIRE DAY. The only time I've not found myself struggling to not nod off has been at work or while I was writing a story for my news writing class. I find this absolutely arbitrary, because I actually fell asleep relatively early and didn't wake up until after seven a.m. 

Anyway, of all of my classes this quarter, my favorite class is news writing followed by oceanography. I love news writing because it is actual journalism, instead of information about the history of journalism or an unhappy education in the area of independent and dependent clauses. I also love that class because there is no homework. The most effort I put into that class is going over my assignments and AP style quizzes and figuring out what I did wrong so that I do not repeat that mistake. As much as I loved telling people I wrote an obit for a Finnish man with 22 grandchildren, as gleefully as I reported this fact to people because it made me giggle, it is the (lack of) homework that has won me over. I often have a laundry list of things competing for my time, a list that never, ever gets shorter. I am caught up for perhaps 2.1 seconds before I realize that I can't remember when I last showered or that my dishes are all dirty or that there is a third component to my Chinese homework. 

It is insanity, this college life, make no mistake.

But I love it. I am good at this education thing. I have been struggling this quarter, really struggling under the amount of homework and class hours and work hours and the fact that I really love spending time with my family, boyfriend and friends, to find a balance. What takes a priority on a day-to-day basis? Usually my schoolwork sucks up all of my attention until at least eleven at night, then I talk to Jon, then I sleep or keep doing homework. I am trying to find some time for myself - time to just sit and breathe, to not worry about stuff. But even with all of this, I love the things I am learning, I love having to push myself, even.

What was it that I was saying the other day about crazy flakes?

You were an engine driver, I was a deep sea diver

One thing I had magically forgotten during my ten week 'vacation' from school was how hard school actually is.

I should have remembered when I found my notes from spring quarter and DID NOT REMEMBER those days. At all. I knew I had gone to class because I had all of my notes and papers in the notebook in my hands, but I didn't remember the lecture or if I had contributed anything thoughtful to the class that day. I was waking up by no later then 7 am every single week day, working eight hours and going to class eighteen hours and foregoing a social life for that education thing.

I am trying to keep everything balanced. It helps that I am on campus now, as much as I miss home. It's easier to go out and have a life when the life is a five minute walk from where you sleep and study.

This week started with plans to do EVERYTHING and has slowly narrowed to a few select things. I actually went to the formal sorority rush last night, only to drop out two hours later. I was going to miss every event they were holding this weekend and I could only imagine what the rest of the quarter was going to be like. OU, being on a quarter schedule, has tests soon after classes start; there was no way I could cram for my tests AND be a pledge AND work AND do all the other things I have to do, including sleep. Sleeping is so very important to my sanity, next to eating three meals a day and getting to read something non-school assigned at least once a day. If you ever want to know what I am like when I am drunk, just keep from sleeping. Once I hit about hour 22 of being awake, I will be just as insane and likely to fall over as anyone who is drunk. I've experienced this in the past and can only imagine how much more FUN it will be considering one of my jobs at work is calling people and leaving messages. 

If you ever order books from where I work and get a message where the caller says 'we are open until...' and then recites a phone number, then says 'you can reach us at 7 pm if you have any questions,' that is me. 

Just wait 'til I get a little further in Chinese.

Addictive tendencies

Why does the internet have to be so distracting?

And why did Teh Boy's laptop have to decide to be ornery two days before he comes down to visit?

Leaves do fall

I'm trying to register for classes, classes that I spent many (okay, maybe two) hours picking out last night. But the registration section is down and I'm wondering why, exactly, the universe hates me.

Over dramatic? Sure. But one of the classes has 8 open spaces left, and I will be quite the unhappy creature if I don't get into it. Mostly because I have no idea quite what I want to take, beyond the three classes I've picked out, and I really want to take this class. It may not be the best class ever(philosophy 101, for the curious), but I'm curious what we'll be taught. Also, if I stay here, it'll rack up my tier II requirements, something that makes very little sense to me, but that is apparently very important to eventually graduating. I guess that's why they call them requirements.

It feels weird to be picking out classes when I'm not even done with the classes I'm in at the moment, but I think it would be even weirder to pick out classes once I was done. Because then I'd actually be able to think, and thinking is quite a dangerous thing when it comes to me. I'd have lists and charts and all sorts of things mapping out why I was taking the classes and how I was going to get from one building to the other quickly, etc. Because then I'd know for sure that I had the 'perfect' schedule.

Who needs lazy Sundays?